The first night and beginning of a long journey

The last post I wrote about baby boys birth and how surreal it all was. To be honest, it still is. Most days I feel like a stranger watching my life as it unfolds. I feel so detached from everything. I am grateful for what I have but it really feels like it isnt my life most days and its just a case of getting through the day and achieving as much as possible.

My first night was nothing special really. Apart from the fact that I finally had my beautiful baby that is. I remember being HUNGRY! I was eventually taken from the recovery area to my room at about 9pm and I was so hungry. I was told I could have a sandwich at midnight and all I could do from then on was look at my baby and then at my watch.

The baby…he was just so small and beautiful and he laid on my chest looking up at me with these big eyes and it really felt like I was looking into the eyes of an old soul. He had all his fingers, all his toes and his left ear was folded in. The older generation would call it a cauliflower ear or boxers ear but I call it his elf ear as he looked like an adorable little baby elf to me. He didnt cry and was happy to just lie and sleep on my chest the whole night. The nurses came in eventually and tried to get me to feed him but he was having a problem latching and I noticed he was spitting alot of bubbles. Thanks to me doing the pre-natal class, I knew this was more than likely a side effect of him being a ceasarian baby. They tend to have alot more fluid than natural childbirth babies, so even though I wasnt too concerned, I did inform the nurses. We eventually realised that the reason he couldnt latch was because his pallette was extremely high. It was fully formed though so I didnt have to worry that he would have a hair lip. That started the fun of squeezing my breasts and sucking up every drop of collostrum that I could with a syringe. This was hell to be honest as I was only getting 1ml at a time but every drop counts so I carried on with it as often as I could.

A few hours old

A few hours old

Who would have thought it would be so hard to milk yourself?

Who would have thought it would be so hard to milk yourself?

About 11pm my painkillers wore off and I was in the worst pain of my life! I remember this part clearly and will dread it forever. I pushed that call button like I wanted to break it and didnt care that I was getting a pill shoved up my pooper..anything to get rid of the pain. I learnt my lesson though and only ONCE afterwards did I not take my meds in time. Midnight I got given a dry cheese sandwich and while it was terrible, it was the best meal I have ever had.

The next morning I was taken off the drip and catheter and told to start walking..I thought my doctor was joking but I guess not. I walked more the next few days than I ever have before but it did help me recover much faster. The nurses came to take baby boy to see the paediatrician and I had my first shower.

After about an hour or so I started to wonder when I would get my baby back and when I asked I was told he was in the NICU as he had had a choking incident.

Yes, no one thought telling me might be a good idea.

And so began baby boy’s hospital history. While their not listening to me about the fluid meant they had left him on his back, which is the reason he choked, luckily it didnt cause any brain damage. It did mean that he ended up being kept in NICU for the next 3 days. 3 Days of tests and scans and walking up and down to be with him and feed him. Of not knowing what was going on and being told to expect him to be autistic and being given a list of possible problems he would have in life. Im not going to go into too much detail but needless to say I was terrified. I told my friends not to visit and my mother had been pushing for my sister to come and visit. I didnt want her there as we hadnt seen each other or spoken to each other in months and she was 6 months pregnant and the last thing I wanted was for her to see my baby all connected up to a breathing tube etc. I didnt want her being scared of what can happen. She did come in the end and it was the start of us healing our relationship and only one of my friends came to visit but it was a lonely time and I wish I had opened up more and asked my friends and loved ones for help.

Baby was kept as long as he was as they wanted to make sure that he didnt have any syndromes, something that is common with children who are born with micro ears (improperly formed ears). He then went on to confuse the doctors as his heart rate fell extremely low while he slept. I keep trying to tell them that he was just a deep sleeper like me and his daddy but it was also the start of doctors ignoring the “hysterical mother”. I have since learned my lesson and now make sure I am heard.Finally a cardiologist told the paediatrician that there was nothing wrong with our boy and to let us go home already.

It was hard. I had spent years preparing to be a mother. I battled to fall pregnant. I like to think I did everything right and looked after myself and did the courses and followed all the rules. I tried my very best and now I had a baby with possible medical problems and possibly one of the most extreme types of autism there is. I didnt bond with him for 2 months till we met with a geneticist who finally told us not to worry. We were eventually released after being in hospital from the Thursday to the following tuesday morning and once we got home I couldnt stop staring at him. I still cant even now that he is an active, happy little boy through all the nightmares that we have gone through. We got sent home with a long list of probable problems that could happen at any time but once we were out of there, it was like a huge rock had been lifted off us and we could go home and be a family. Even though there was the bad thoughts in the back of our minds, we got to be new parents and enjoy our time together. It was also the start of a long journey for me and my baby boy but one that we are only now starting to enjoy together.

5 days old and already showing attitude

5 days old and already showing attitude

Lets start at the beginning shall we?

I haven’t written in so long, I almost feel like a fraud trying to now. I’ve wanted to start a post so many times over the almost two years (where has the time gone?!) and have had several floating around in my head so much that I sometimes feel like its all been written already.

Till I realise that I’m still keeping quiet and still keeping it all inside and I wonder to myself why because I used to get such inner peace in venting my feelings here before falling pregnant. Is it because I feel ashamed? Possibly… that I might sound ungrateful having my beautiful baby while there are so many other woman in this community that are still battling and would do anything to have what I have? Very possibly. I don’t know and I try to limit the self analysis as much as I can and just get through each day as gracefully as I can.

So where to start? Probably from the beginning, where I left off last. Ill be posting in sections because its going to be a long update. SO much has happened and now I need to put it all down.

20 June 2013 3:55pm:

While sitting outside, waiting for my husband to get ready as we were about to go to the store so I could get more plaster of paris for the mould of my preggy tummy I was making, I felt a weird “pop” sensation in my stomach. I was due to deliver the 29th so the last thing on my mind was that I might be in labour and all I could think was that I had yet another thing happening to me. I had had a horrible pregnancy, I had morning sickness every.single.day and I was constantly exhausted. I had the swollen feet, haemorrhoids and my hips had dislocated early (5 months) so every step I took was agony of bone rubbing bone. Needless to say I was feeling very sorry for myself.

I stood up to go inside and share my latest symptom with hubby and suddenly I had this flood of water come gushing out of me. Great.I had now wet myself,the last indignity of pregnancy. Till I realised it was still going and I now had a substantial puddle forming at my feet and slowly dribbling into the pool. Oh, and my youngest pooch starting to investigate and want to drink it (euw). I screamed for DH and as he came running I said I think my water just broke. He stopped and stared and finally said I think so too and said ok about a hundred times before saying he would get my hospital bag while I called my gynae. I called him and his receptionist put me on hold when I told her I think my water had broken for what seemed like forever while I still had this fluid running down my legs and when she eventually came back (less than a minute but it felt forever), she said to come in immediately and head straight for the maternity ward and he would meet me there. I think it was the shock of it all but I stood there for another 5 minutes or so, not moving or thinking or anything till DH came to see what was happening. I stripped off my soaking wet skirt and waddled inside to dry off and get dry pants on. DH was calling my mother and his and trying to work out why I was now suddenly having a fashion crisis and trying very hard to diplomatically get me in the car. I felt this weird calm, I wasn’t in any pain and trying to think logically…put on a skirt because you don’t want to mess with pants..remember to take a towel to sit on in the car and put one between your legs to stop any extra fluid..where is my bag and is everything packed?

Finally we got in the car and arrived at the hospital at 16:45pm and I waddled up to the reception desk of the maternity ward wearing my “knocked up” shirt and a grin and proudly announced my water had broken. Luckily I got the nurse with a sense of humour as she took one look at my shirt and said your in the right place at least. I was lead into the birthing suite (basically a private room with a bed covered in plastic and alot more equipment being the only real difference) and was dressed in the bum flashing gown and had a monitor strapped to my stomach. My main problem by this point was the horrible urgency to pee although I had no idea why as I had already dropped about 3 litres of water. Maybe all that gushing didn’t help but neither the fact that the nurse didn’t want me to move around too much. Eventually she let me go and as I got back to the room my doctor was there and was not impressed that I was up and walking around. Apparently this is not a good idea as you can get an infection or the umbilical cord can come out..who knew? He checked me and then politely informed that this wasn’t the movies and this was not the way to give birth. I love that man. Then he told me I had pre-eclampsia and that I hadn’t dilated and the baby still hadn’t descended and said the worst possible thing..He wasn’t sure what to do now as I had already lost all my fluid and he wasn’t sure it would be a good idea to wait for natural labour. I had argued with him through out my entire pregnancy that I wanted to have a natural childbirth..not for any reason other than I have a terrible recovery time and take forever to heal and I knew I didn’t want to be trying to look after a newborn alone once DH went back to work while trying to recover from a C-section.

Oh how the Gods love it when mortals make plans..

My only option by this point was a caesarian. I was so calm during the whole thing. I still wonder if it was shock as it all felt so surreal. I was cracking jokes and laughing and generally had the feeling of it being a whole big misunderstanding.The only thing that was getting me upset was DH constantly wanting to go get food. He is a stress eater and all he could think of was going to get something to eat as he wasn’t sure when he would be able to. I was so angry and eventually yelled at him that I was hungry too but if he missed me going into theatre, I would tell them not to allow him in. I was scheduled to be collected at 6:45pm so eventually at 6pm I relented and told him to run to the cafeteria quickly.

He made it back just in time to follow me into the operating room where I was given my spinal block (OUCH!!!) and laid out with my legs like a frogs. I get claustrophobic so I was extremely uncomfortable with DH who was trying to be supportive and sitting with is face right by mine through the whole experience and trying not to peek at the overhead lights as I didn’t want to see what was happening and then having the anaesthetist constantly asking me if I was feeling ill.. all I wanted was for everyone to back off so I could try and remember every little detail but it was all going so fast and suddenly I felt a few sharp tugs in my chest and stomach area and heard my doctor asking me if I was supposed to be having a boy or girl….when I said boy, he breathed a sigh of relief and suddenly I looked up and there was this little weird looking thing popping out over the top of the curtain they put up so you cant see them opening you up. As I stared at him, all I could hear was my doctor saying no man, that’s the umbilical cord and laughing and then DH whispering in my ear that our baby was finally here. He was messy and screaming his head off at being exposed to the air but all I could think was…now what?

19:34pm : Griffin Charles joined the world for better or worse. He weighed 2.945kgs and was 50cm long.

The rest of it all kind of blurs abit..they took him to a table a meter or two away to clean him up and check him, DH following and telling me that our boy pee’d on the nurse (guess he also needed to pee the whole time like his mama) and then I had the paediatrician coming to me and handing my baby to me and before I could get a look at him, she was telling me that he was good but he had a problem with his left ear but she would talk to me about that later but everything else was fine. I didn’t register this till much later but I got to hold my boy for what felt like seconds while I was being cleaned up and closed up. DH took him and went to sit off in the corner and I lay there listening to the conversations going on around me and watched the staff moving about their business and I remembering thinking that I had just had a baby.

Oh crap…I just had a baby.

I was then wheeled into recovery where I got to just lie there with my boy on my chest and watching the activity going on around me. Listening to him breath and staring into those beautiful eyes that felt like they were staring right through me was the most peaceful feeling I have ever felt. To this day, holding him and having him just cuddle against me when there is no one else around and I close my eyes, I always remember that moment and the peace I felt and it makes everything worth while.

Can I have another set of hands please?

Porridge brain. Mush brain. Pregnancy brain.

Ive heard about this symptom of pregnancy, even seen it in some of my friends when they were pregnant but I never,ever thought it would apply to me when I eventually fell pregnant.

I also didnt think I would be sick, swollen or suffer any of the other adverse things pregnancy throws at a woman but oh well…

The worst part right now is I am totally unable to hold a thought for longer than 5  minutes. This may not seem like such a bad idea but with a move to our new home coming up in 46 days (wooohoo!We bought a house!) and baby due to arrive in roughly 15 weeks, there seems to be more and more to do every day. Its totally ridiculous how much a little teeny tiny baby can possibly need. And I still havent finished any of my other projects,or renovating my parents house. And my usual habit of making lists of what I need to do? Well, I cant focus long enough to put together the list.

Ive been trying to find some lists online that tell you exactly what you need for a baby but seriously, some of this stuff is beyond confusing! I spent over half an hour trying to decide if a moses basket really was a necessity or not (decided not to get it as we already have a napper thingy and then a crib for after 6 months). At least I wasnt alone though as I met 3 other woman who had the same bewildered look on their faces I did and asked me the same question…What the heck is this bowl thing for?What do they mean its to wash the baby between baths?

The problem is with these lists that some of them just plain contradict themselves!Does anyone out there have an idea of what is really needed or not? Or is it better to just get everything and hope you dont need it at the end of the day?

 

When words stop being helpful

I haven’t written in a while for the simple reason that I really don’t know where to start. So many things have been happening – good and bad – that I really don’t know what to focus on and how to organise a thought in my head, let alone get it down in writing. This is an attempt and I hope it comes out coherent..

So the easiest way to do this is bullet point all the good and bad things….

GOOD THINGS

* We finally got a good look and found out we are having a boy.

* We have signed the last of the paperwork and have paid all the fees apart from 2 more and then we are officially home owners! A house of our very own to grow old in together and I can finally let my decorating fantasies out.

BAD THINGS

* My sister and I are no longer talking and thanks to the P.O.S she married, my husband and I are “not welcome in their lives”. The bastard has been slowly but surely cutting her off from her friends and even his family and now he has done the same to me and my husband. He used a simple misunderstanding to escalate things to the level that the only way I will ever speak to her again is once she has left him or he has died. The idiot went so far as to send me an email saying what he thinks about us,ie that we “are trash,stupid,liars and lazy” etc and the list goes on. He is the lowest of the low and I hate him so much. He is also crazy (bi-polar) and now Im terrified of him showing up at my parents place (where I am staying) during the day when he knows Im home alone. And yes, its something he would do as he has a history of making inappropriate advances towards me.Something we have always had to sweep under the carpet so as not to upset my sister as he usually did it when he had had a few drinks.

Worst of all is she was spotting and cramping 2 weeks ago and didn’t go to the doctor as he wont pay for the visit and she didn’t have the finances. She started bleeding again yesterday according to my mother and will be going to the doctor tomorrow though. She is 8 weeks and I have the horrible feeling that its not going to end well.

I know I should be a better person and contact her but the way I feel right now is she knew what he said about me and my husband and has said she is standing behind him and his decisions so I say she has made her bed and now needs to learn that her actions have consequences. She has always been the favorite and had everything done for her, either by myself or my parents and even now, when my parents know exactly what was said etc they are still pressuring me to make peace with her and are getting very upset with me for refusing.

* My parents will be moving in with us at the new house. I thought I had at least 10 more years before this happened. They are my parents and yes, I do love them but I am so angry with them for being so damned selfish and now its up to my husband and myself to sort their crap out. They have dug themselves into a hole financially and now they are unable to meet their bills and they stand to lose the house – the only thing they have. Even now they are just lending and gambling and ignoring their bills thinking that everything will be sorted out. I have been trying to renovate their house to sell but now its been decided they will rent it out for a year.

In the meantime  they will live with us. I dont think I can do this. I really DONT want to do this. I do not get along with my father as he is one of those who loses their tempers and then talks to me like Im garbage. While I do understand he is set in his ways, I think its also a huge lack of respect and I am so frustrated with the both of them. But I know that my sister and her asshole husband wont do anything to help and they will end up on the streets or God alone knows where and it will be all my fault.

I know I should be happy as this is supposed to be the best time of my life right now and I have got so much to be thankful for (and I really and truly am beyond grateful for them) but with the drama with my sister and my parents – it really is making me wonder if its all worth it in the end…I just wish that my husband and I could just walk away from all of this and never have to look back.

Sunday I spent most of the day in bed, alternating between crying and rage at the current circumstances I’m in and overwhelming despair at what the near future holds for me and my husband and my baby. I couldn’t stop this feeling of dread, I couldn’t pep talk myself out of it and I couldn’t even speak to my parents. Every time I so much as looked at them, I burst into tears and had to go back to my room. I know its the hormones and an overload of stress causing it all but just because I know what the problem is, doesn’t mean I can always fix it. I honestly feel like I’m trapped and no matter which way I look at things, I cannot find a way out of it and I don’t know what to do anymore.

Finally an answer!

While I havent written in a while and did say I would not be posting any baby pics etc, I did want to share something personal of this journey with everyone who has been so kind and supportive while I looked to find my way through infertility and every other little problem that has reared its head…

So…while its not the bestest pic ever,here is the one that His Highness and I decided to post on facebook to announce the sex of our little Splodge.We have been waiting and waiting and looking for evidence at every scan and FINALLY last week we had our confirmation.We went with the (slightly cheesy) pic of us instead of the usual “Its a boy” that most of our friends did as we may only get to do this once.

Please excuse the bemused look on my partner-in-crimes face though, its merely strain for having to smile for the 10th picture,he really is happy about this all, promise!

 

Image 

17 Weeks and keeping busy

So I havent written again in a while – I guess I still feel connected enough by reading all the blogs Ive been following and then there is the madness of packing and moving house (again).

Oh, and we put an offer in for a house. So now we wait for it to be accepted and pray the banks will give us the mortgage loan we need. This has been the biggest stress for the last 3 days as we REALLY want this house! Its beautiful and has everything we need and more in it. His Highness and I were talking last night and even he has started making plans for it and what we will be doing once we have moved in. Talk like this makes me so nervous though, like we are tempting the Gods to take it away from us.

But Im trying to be positive about it and 2013. I have decided to try “The Secret” method (which I normally discount as bunk and phooey) but maybe thats half my problem. I seem to be a very pessimistic person and its one of the character flaws I hate most about myself. So,from now on its going to “Think Positive”. I will have a beautiful new house in May, I will have a beautiful new baby in June, I will have an awesome Birthday in August and the rest of the year will be great right up till December when I will have a wonderful festive season with family and friends.

It cant hurt to hope can it?

On other updates – We went for our scan on Thursday and baby is doing great! My doctor even congratulated me on not gaining too much more weight and baby even did a little boogy for daddy,who got to be at the scan this month. We still dont know what we are having as our kid seems to be sitting on its bum so even though the doc thinks it may be a girl due lack of “bumps”, we are still not saying anything to friends and family,much to their disgust.

At least we know it will be a happy baby.

Ive been feeling better,not totally great and I still have days when Im woman down but on the whole I have been able to do more. Which is definitely much needed as we are moving next week and I still have LOADS of packing to do!

Only 23 weeks to go! 

What happened to manners?

Ask any of my friends and even most of my family and all of them will agree that one of the most shocking things about me is the fact that I am actually a very traditional and old fashioned girl at heart. After my wild years, seeing me become a stay at home wife who cooks and bakes and sews and knits and cleans and generally puts the needs of her husband before hers has shocked the hell out of alot of people. I include my own mother and closest friends in that list.

That being said… I really am starting to wish I had been a housewife back in the 30’s-50’s. Seriously. Life seems to have been more genteel and simpler then. People knew who their neighbors were, your kids could walk to school unmolested and learn their ABC’s without having to worry about some maniac coming in and shooting up the classroom. People said thank you and please and generally acted like decent human beings towards one another.No one seems to have said nasty,hateful and hurtful things to one another simply because “They feel they have the right to” or “They thought you should know”. The idea of Freedom of speech wasn’t used as a cover to spread hate and dissent amongst the people. 

One thing alot of infertiles seem to have problems with is the type of person who thinks they have the right to say what they like to them. For whatever reason,be it they are just saying/trying to help/thought you should know… Its still hateful. Its still hurtful. Its still frankly extremely insulting for you to assume that you know ANYTHING about me,my life,my condition or my current treatment programme when YOUR NOT THE ONE GOING THROUGH IT. The same goes for various other scenarios – illness in the family,death of a loved one,divorce etc. Until your actually living my exact life, with my life experiences and have all my emotions,thoughts and physical reactions, you really don’t know what I’m going through and any negative comments you may have are totally unnecessary and therefore just plain rude!

If your wondering why I’m having this little rant then please let me explain. Recently Belle of Scrambled Eggs had an experience of some negative comments being posted on her blog that made her feel she had to stop writing for a while. This evening I saw a reply to a comment I had posted on 2girlsandababy’s blog.I was frankly beyond shocked at what this person spewed out there for everyone to see. I don’t know whether its just plain ignorance, rudeness or the sense of entitlement that led this person to believe that what they had to say would be taken as anything other than hateful. I am seriously horrified that THIS is what is bringing the new generation into the world, THIS is the type of person who will be able to say what they like, when they like and how they like and there will be little to no consequences for them and others will learn to do the same. You see it already with the kids today who have no respect for authority and are running wild. Its easy enough to just blame society and the parents but who is allowing the parents to behave like this in the first place?

Maybe I am old fashioned. Maybe I am living in a fantasy world. But I would honestly rather be there than here in this reality. I dont want to be around rude people,stupid ignorant people, people who really shouldnt NOT be allowed out in public without a muzzle. I am tired of people saying what they want regardless of how much it hurts someone else. Im tired of the arrogance. Im tired of the violence. Im tired of the lack of common courtesy,decency and ability to live our lives with out fear of being attacked verbally or physically by someone who was never taught manners and how to behave in public. I live in a country where crime is on the rise and people live in what has essentially become cages in order to protect what is theirs,no matter how meager it is. People are killed every day by the type of person who feels that they want what you have and feel nothing to take it from you. Even if it means taking your life along with it. And I’m not talking about lots of money, I’m talking about being stabbed or shot for the equivalent of what you would spend on a take away snack and a celphone. I personally rank these criminals in the same category as the type who thinks they can be as rude and disrespectful as they like. Both have no social conscience or empathy towards others and have HUGE senses of self entitlement.

Again…maybe I’m wrong here but what is so hard about just being nice to someone else? How hard is it really to just keep your nasty thoughts to yourself? Maybe if we all thought twice before saying something to someone, things would get alot better. With all the crime,poverty,hunger,illness and hundreds of other problems facing the human race today, if we just acted a little more like humans it would go along way to making this world a better place.

Or maybe Im just full of BS on this and should hope that nasty bitch gets hit by a bus on the way home?